Ruthann Stiles

Answers for the Head and Heart

There is always a second chance.   I decided to try to untangle some of my intellectual and emotional knots.

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When I first came to Newton Presbyterian Church, I sat in the very back row and sulked.  How did I get there and why was I so upset?

A serious question drove us through the doors of the church.  One day our four year old son, Jesse, burst into tears and wanted to know what happened to his friend David’s grandmother after she died.  We told him that there were a lot of different ideas:  The American Indians believed a dead person would go to “the happy hunting ground,” Christians believed a good person would go to heaven, Hindus believed the dead were reincarnated and came back in different life forms… “Too many choices,” Jesse interrupted sobbing   “ I want to know the answer now!”

Why did we give Jesse so many options?  My husband and I had been raised in the Presbyterian Church.  My husband became a scientist and believed in the material world.  I became confused after taking one too many world religion courses studying belief systems that all claimed to have a corner on the truth.  I worked at a university where religion was disparaged and where inclusiveness ruled.  We attended a Unitarian Church for a while finding a place to worship God without having to choose a single path to truth.

I turned my back on God after a tragic death .  My college roommate, who became a missionary, was paralyzed when a tree branch crushed her back and then died of invasive cancer at the age of 32 leaving behind a husband and a young daughter.  How could a “good God” allow such a thing to happen to one of his own workers?   I turned away from God confused and angered.  The best hope I had for my children was that one day they would figure out the answers on their own.

So how did I end up in the back row of the church?  My husband insisted that our sons needed religious training like we had received.  Jesse and Dylan deserved structured answers to important questions.  We found Newton Presbyterian Church in the phone book, and met Ann MacKay, the skilled and loving nursery school teacher.  I knew my sons were in good hands, but I was still unhappy.  I felt like a hypocrite as I sat in the pew and came and went quickly with my husband through the back door of the church.

How did I move from the back row to becoming a member?  Music.  One day someone invited me to join the church choir.  I loved to sing so how could I refuse?  In the choir I met Christians who lived genuine lives of faith, were honest about their struggles and beliefs, and who welcomed me. I envied how they cared and prayed for each other and served the church in love.  They became the face of Christ to me.  They turned me back toward God whom I longed to find again.

There is always a second chance.   I decided to try to untangle some of my intellectual and emotional knots. God put another special person in my path, the inquirers’ class teacher, Ron Owen.   He encouraged my questions, allowed open discussion, and gave me books to help me answer the difficult questions. He listened carefully and patiently understanding my confusion and concerns.  One book, Evidence that Demands a Verdict, by Josh McDowell finally gave me the undeniable historical evidence I needed to see the truth of Jesus Christ. 

In addition to my head issues, I got help with my heart issues.  Where is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey helped me to understand that God is not responsible for the suffering in the world, but that he weeps over disease and death that are part of the broken world.    I realized that, more than anything, I wanted to step back into a life with God and have a personal relationship with Jesus. Sorry, please and thank you.  I told God that I was sorry about my sins, doubts, and stubborn rejection of Him.  I asked him to forgive me, and I invited him back into my life.  I thanked him for the gift of His son, Jesus Christ, and asked him to teach me and show the way to live following Jesus. 

As I said ‘yes’ to Jesus, I discovered that even though I had turned my back on him, he had not turned his back on me. I learned that I did not need to live my life alone feeling intimidated by the things I could not change.  I did not need to wonder if anyone could make sense of the complicated world I lived in.  I understood that what Jesus said was true and knew I could follow him freed from past sin and future fears.   I found peace, hope, and strength for my family and myself knowing that I was walking on solid ground protected by a loving God. I thanked God for never giving up on a stubborn creature like me.

I had the sure answer to my son’s question about what happens after you die. God so loved the world, that He gave His son, Jesus Christ, and if you believe in Him you will not die but will live forever. The peace of Christ for sure.